Dear Bump, when the sperm that made you was part of me you may have heard me think that your mum could do with losing a few pounds. It’s the only way I can rationalise the amount of vomiting you’re putting her through.

Stand down soldier, you don’t have to do anything to impress me. Just turn up in one piece and that will do, so leave off your mum and let her keep some food down please. French toast is hardly a luxury food and she’s got enough to worry about just now, thinking about if she should get the H151 jab or not, worried about what it might do to you.

And besides, on the food front, I’m dying to go out for a decent curry.

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Golden Oldie: watching the SAW movies makes for a healthy kid?

Posted by Craig on Thursday Apr 22, 2010 Under Dear Bump...

Dear Bump, a weekend of making your mum ill. You are most likely going to be the fittest child ever at this rate (going by the old theory of ‘the sicker the pregnancy* the healthier the child’).

Two things are also quite apparent from this: your dad certainly won’t be fit and you may get called Arthur as in arthuritis (or the more common spelling of arthritis) from the spinal damage I’m getting sleeping on spare beds, couches and your big sister’s bed because you’re playing havoc with your mum’s body temperature.

Anyway, goodnight Arthur.

* I don’t think that means watching all the Saw films.

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Golden Oldie: Dear Bump 26/10/2009

Posted by Craig on Thursday Apr 22, 2010 Under Dear Bump...

Good little developing thingy. Not only are you now, according to the little iPhone app I have, made it as far as the size of a peach, you also let your mum keep a full dinner down – and seconds.

For that have an extra gulp of amniotic fluid or whatever it is you do in there to chill when you aren’t too busy dividing cells and stuff.

(or perhaps I’m just a damn good cook. Anyway, like your big sister, mum can now expect pasta bake non-stop for months.)

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Dear see-you-in-May Bump, whatever one is releasing into your mother’s bloodstream just now could you stop? She’s being a tad grumpy and I’m crashing with your sister tonight because of it – if I thought the womb had room, I’d come in and annoy you out of revenge.

For this, you’re getting called Zanzibar. Or couch, ‘cos that’s certainly what I associate you with mostly at the moment.

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Dear Bump, there’s not a lot left to know about you. We know your sex and now, according to your mum, you have ears. To which, all I can say is: could you listen to your mum and stop knocking lumps out of her at all hours of the day. Read More

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Dear Bump: Things never to say to your mum

Posted by Craig on Monday Apr 5, 2010 Under Dear Bump...

“I don’t know why you’re moaning about having to carry this child around in you, saying it’s sore. I carried it about – well half of – first and it was no bother at all.”

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Saturday, April 3 9:14pm

Posted by Craig on Saturday Apr 3, 2010 Under Bits, bobs, odds, sods, Dear Bump..., Dear Daughter...

One wee one lies sleeping Read More

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Calvin and Hobbes small strip link(putting this one to both of you as you better both read it)

One joy that we found clearing out the garage, getting ready for the extension work, so you two have decent living space, was the old Calvin and Hobbes books that I bought (some for me, some for the then girlfriend) and it was one of the things that your mum and I both agreed were going to stay – and then I found this new, rare interview with the author.

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